DATE #1: The First Step - Who's the man?

I won't pretend to know the first date protocol but I do appreciate when it's the guy who makes the first move and asks the girl out, call me old fashioned...

My first victim, was a nice Brooklyn born boy who looked better in person than in his pictures (thank goodness). He took the initiative to ask me out after only a few short humorous emails and I thought, "oh! a guy who takes chances and makes moves...." But his first mistake was to invite me for drinks and a movie on a weeknight. Why would you invite a girl to the movies on a first date unless you didn't want to get to know her? Actually, there is no unless - if you're trapped in a movie theater you can't talk which is the whole point of meeting someone for the first time, right?

At 7:17pm I was rushing home to change and fix my mean work face into a sweet girl smile. He calls and changes plans last minute - maybe we should get dinner? That makes sense since I was just going to make a PBJ and hope it would old the liquor. We were meeting at 8pm. In less than 45 minutes I manage to pull myself into something simple and sexy (thanks Sarah) and put on just a touch of lipstick to run out the door.

He made me pick the place. Sure, he was coming to my neighborhood but I hate when I have to make the decision about where to go... that should have tipped me off right there.

We met out front and he kissed my cheek in greeting, definitely too polite, he even held the door (shouldn't I love this? Maybe I'm too jaded). We had selected a sushi joint and I ordered saki to start - he didn't like it but didn't come right out and say that, he just bent to my will. Then he couldn't decide what he wanted so he ordered a combo and I picked some special rolls. We shared everything. He explained his work and then allowed me to dominate the conversation for most of dinner. I had to ask all the questions, I had to come up with all the answers, I had to pour my own saki!

There were long lulls of silences though we laughed a few times and I tried to giggle sweetly, I was even nice and not sarcastic (well, not too sarcastic). It turned out, he was more charming in email than in person though he had a nice smile.

The real turn off was not that he didn't drink saki or that he was afraid to dive into the sushi first (he made me take the first bite - what if it had been poisoned?), it was really that he didn't want to order dessert. He doesn't like dessert. Who doesn't like dessert!? I didn't push him.

The restaurant was empty by 9:45, we were chatting about nothing and decided to head out. I walked him to his car and then walked the 8 blocks home alone in the light rain. He did kiss my cheek goodnight, I guess that was polite.

Not more than an hour later, I get a text from him:
"Hey there"
"Hey, thanks for dinner, it was nice to meet you"
"So, Anything there you think?"
--- what am I supposed to say to this? I've had less than an hour to process!
"I don't know, you? Maybe friends?"
"I haven't been on many dates so I play neutral"
--- what the hell does that mean?
"Yeah, me neither, hope I didn't talk to much"
"You're really pretty"
"Thanks"
--- who says that in a text? and does anyone use the word "pretty" anymore? unless they're referring to "pretty ugly"
"I guess we both really didn't get any vibes? plus you said you couldn't see the movie..."
--- the first honest thing all night! And really, I couldn't see the movie cause it doesn't start till 10:45 and ends at almost 1 am and I have a job (not that that's stopped me before but....)
"There just wasn't that crazy wild spark. But we could see a movie as friends sometime?"

Oops. Did I say something wrong?

Well, it was just my first date of the 27 I'm going to have in the next 20 weeks... At least I learned that I need a man who's not intimidated by me and who can decide where to eat and who can strike up conversation and who's interesting and pretty...

I think I just need to date myself.

Week 4 and still No Score

So Monday marked the beginning of my 4th week competing against my self to fulfill this foolish mission. Although I've been spending plenty of time playing the online field of fellows, I've had a hard time nagging one. It's like running through a field of butterflies waving a net with too big holes in it... you know there has to be at least one with a weak wing that will fall into your hands.

Thankfully, there is, at least one. And I've bagged a date!

Communicating 101

I will not go down in history as The Great Communicator. I know myself well enough to know that this is an area of which I can use improvement. I communicate just fine when it's work related, actually I'm pretty darn good at expressing exactly what I need to get my job done to the best of my ability but when it comes to one-on-one "let me tell you how I feel", I lack significant skills to be politely understood.

Often, I try not to care what someone thinks about how I feel because frankly, most people don't. Sometimes, I feel bad for saying exactly what I think and others I feel bad for holding back. Of course, I'm not known for holding back too much nor for feeling bad too much.

In the dating world, one must approach victims (I mean potential dates) with a certain kind of finesse to ease into email chains that may lead to an invite for a drink or dinner or doom... At first, I thought I was doing well, wooed into emailing with a young gentlemen well before the organized online dating site recommended, we exchanged words that were polite, interesting and gentle.

Here is the gist:
Example 1 (I'm the italics)
What do you do? Oh, I'm in film. Oh how cool, I'm studying law. Oh how boring, but I'm sure you like it, what kind?
How are you enjoying the weather? Love the snow, hate the cold. Yeah, me too.
How do you feel about Universal Healthcare? I think I'm for it. Yeah, me too.
Oh, We have something else in common! Yeah, how exciting.
So do you want to get a drink sometime? Yeah, why not.
Cool. Did you facebook or google me yet? No, didn't even cross my mind.
Oh, well text me sometime.

That's it. And he expected me to text him to set a time for a drink. Is there some unwritten rule that I have to facebook or google a guy I'm interested in? Needless to say I didn't text him and half expected him to contact me about that drink - no word. Have I been rejected because I didn't care enough to google him? Seriously? And I was SO polite in all my emails.

After that I thought a change of strategy was warranted. I'll just be more myself right upfront.

Example 2: (I'm still the italics)

So, Hey girl. I saw your pic and you're super cute! This dating service says we should be matched! Wanna chat more? Tell me what your instant messenger service of choice is and I'll hit you up. You're in Brooklyn right? Cool. PS - I looked up what your name means, oh Joy!

Joy or Joyous but it should have been Oy. Seriously? How can you tell if I'm cute from my single tiny picture? And do you put all your faith into Dating sites selecting appropriate matches or do you prefer to judge for yourself? And, "instant messenger service of choice" is this 1999!? Do people IM still?
Just kidding. Dating sites makes me get fresh. I've been faking use of the service for 3 weeks and it's proving more work than I had hoped.
Yeah, I live in Brooklyn and I don't really IM or gchat or whatever because it's too distracting for work. I respond well to emails though. What is it that has struck you about my profile (other than my super cute pic) that has sparked you to risk communication?
Hope you're having a lovely Monday and a good start to the week.

So, really, what am I doing so wrong? This second guy hasn't responded to my email yet but I have high hopes that I've sparked his interest in being more my sassy self. But if I believed in doubt, now would be a good time to start doubting those communication skills of mine...

Sucked into Sites

So here we go, spiraling into another online dating service site. I haven't quite failed with the first one but I'm already at the end of week 22 and haven't made a match! No pressure, no stress, it's just an obscene goal to go on 27 dates in 21 weeks!!!

Yes, I haven't been on a date yet (obviously), so I'm upping my opportunities and signed up for a second site, expanding my horizons further. This new one was so well advertised during the Valentines day weekend that I just have to check it out. On page one they show you a pretty beach and ask you to select a comment from multiple choice - is this picture a) pretty b) ugly c) stupid d) make you want to see more?

The personality test was fun, sure it had your usual multiple choice questions but it had some crazy out of left field questions like - on a scale of 1 to 5, how stupid do you think dating sites are? That just made me want to see more! Then I was give pictures and asked to select a title, and then play brainteaser games like is this hexagon the same size as that one? If not, change them so they are both the same size... What that has to do with my personality is beyond me but it made answering all the dumb questions like "what's your favorite hobby", less lame.

This site also categorizes you and your matches, based on your selections you become a Tiger, an Elephant, a Giraffe, a Monkey (these aren't the actual group names but close enough...) and these "groups" or "categories" make matching you up easier and well, more fun. Do I want to meet a Tiger like me or do I want to meet a Giraffe whom I might prey on... Each group is a personality type which isn't too hard to figure out.

Of course once you get matched with some interesting possibilities, then they tell you how much it costs... and then you question if it's worth your first paycheck on a new job to meet someone (or 27 someones) for the sake of a blog...

Rejection

Rejection is something I'm pretty skilled at doing. It might have to do with the fact that my favorite word is "No", not for the reasons you might think either. I love the word "No" because it has so much power, to me it's not an ending to anything but an opportunity to try new tactics. When someone says "Yes", it's like giving in, an acceptance and there is no where else to go, sure it feels good if a guy says "yes, I like you" or "yes, you can have a million dollars" but where is the excitement of trial and error? I like that when someone says "No" or "Not interested", it forces me to rethink my approach, to rethink my motives and find another way to succeed because I'm not a giver-upper.

However, in the world of online dating, rejection goes far beyond the word "No" or "I'm not interested". When I'm faced with a match that I feel isn't a match I of course have the option to reject him - it's actually my first instinct simply because I reject the idea of meeting people online in the first place...

But when faced with rejecting a perspective match, I go through a whole array of emotions about turning away this poor guy I've never met. I think about my reasons for instinctively deciding "this guy isn't right for me" - am I rejecting him because his photos make him look fat? Maybe. Am I rejecting him because he likes sports? Probably. Is he a bad match because he can't live without his dog? These aren't really things you reject people for, are they? I actually feel bad that this guy doesn't know what's hit him.

I'm not sure if I feel guilty because I'm judgmental or if I pity the guys for putting themselves out there when there is no way (in my mind) we could possibly be a good match. On average it's taking me 3 days to get the courage to actually delete the guys I know I don't want.

The entire process of rejecting them entails sending a message and selecting my reasons from a huge list - "I think the distance between us is too great", "I do not find this match attractive", "Something this match said in their profile is a turn off" or "Other". These responses actually get sent to the guy and he's left to wonder "What was in my profile that she didn't like?" or "why didn't she even give me a chance?" It's stressful enough for me to select an appropriate response that I can't imagine what it's like to receive a rejection from a person you don't even know.

Oh, wait, yes I can!

Believe it or not, I've been rejected. Most of the guys I probably would have rejected myself but just seeing that message: "So and So has declined your match siting the reason as: OTHER". What the F does that mean!? Was it something I said??

It's so much easier to reject people face to face, you just say "take a hike" or "get out of my face" or "I'm married with 3 kids - go away". But rejecting people and being rejected by persons unknown - a whole different ball game.

Good thing I take rejection so well... otherwise I might become a nutcase just sitting around wondering what it is about my picture, my profile, my likes and dislikes, my online personality, my whatever that made this other online phony profile reject me... I mean, don't they know how AMAZING I am??

And in this instance, a rejection is a "No" I can't challenge, I can't see the possibilities to change because, well, there are none.

However, there are still 70 more matches to go through....

27 Matches

In the first 48 hours of my world of online dating I have received 27 matches and I keeping getting more. There can't possibly be that many men in the tri-state area that have things in common with me.

I'll admit, it's overwhelming. I should be looking at this with excitement and hope and all I think when I get an alert is "not another one!" Mind you it's only been about 2 days...

First, it's the match. Then I have to review the profile, before I'm even finished reading the "what's most important to me" section, the guy is making contact and asking me a bunch of questions I don't feel ready to answer...like what is your ideal date? Oy.

I need to find a way to narrow them down. So... all the guys from Jersey are OUT. I'm not discriminating due to location, I'm just being honest with myself in that - I'm discriminating if you live in Jersey. I'm not going to Jersey, not for a visit, not for a date, not to check out your awesome place or meet your dog - you're out. That's almost half.

Progress! Notice how I first thing I cut wasn't looks - I'm trying to be open minded. But speaking of that, if you profile picture is you with:
a) another woman
b) your shirt off
c) your mother
d) you, drunk, at a sporting event with your arm around another drunk dude and your tongue hanging out of your head -
YOU'RE OUT!

Come On! You'd think the men submitting themselves to the horrid world of online dating would know better. Don't you want your photo to represent the best side of you? You should know I'm judging you on your looks!!

Then we get to the profile, if I read another heading that says "I'm passionate about passion and living life to it's fullest" - I'm going to puke! All of these men are looking for a "kind, loving, passionate woman who wants to enjoy living life to its fullest" blah blah blah.

I'm not trying to be negative but seriously? Is that all you got? How come we can't be honest and say I'm looking for someone who's going to argue with me over the best ice cream flavor, or make a scene in a museum and run away laughing with me or jump into a puddle and splash an old lady for no reason at all?

And one more thing about profile matches - when asked what the top 5 most important things are to you, do NOT answer: air, food, water, sports, my dog Pookie. (Of course I said movies and chocolate which aren't much better... maybe I can still change that).

The World of OnLine Dating

Ahhhh.... my first foray into online dating! How terribly unexciting, yet terrifying. I think it might be worse than actually having to look at the drunkards who try to pick me up in bars...

I have signed up for one online dating service to start. My goal is 3 but we'll see how far I get. For the sake of this blog, we'll call this service "Everlasting Love". Not only does it cost a small fortune, it has a 10-volume questionnaire to assist in matching you with the perfect mate. It took me an hour on the phone with my mother to get halfway through.

Its funny how seldom we have to define ourselves and justify our life choices once we're out in the world and the proof of our existence is in our monthly rent checks. To start, other than your first name, Everlasting Love requires you define yourself using a multitude of SAT words and rate them on a scale of one to ten.

Are you:
Kind? 7 (depends on the day)
Energetic? 7 (when I get sleep and have at least 2 cups of coffee)
Motivated? 10 (sometimes too...)
Defensive? 5 (some of you would give me a 10, I don't know what you're talking about!)
Direct? 5 (never! if nothing but the most direct!)

Do you consider yourself: Loving? 7 (depends on who)
Passionate? 9 (about what? what I do? you?...)
Sexy? (why would I give myself anything less than a 10!)
Jealous? 5 (I don't think so...but I usually get rid of the competition ahead of time)
Mean-Spirited? 5 (not me!)
Easily Angered? 5 (never! I'm the most even tempered person I know)

Do you get my drift? Imagine having to rate yourself on 50 adjectives! Thank goodness my mother kept me from being too honest! (Yeah, Honesty was a describing word to rate too - I gave myself an 8).

After all the words, there are questions - another 50 or so asking me to rate how important certain values and traits are to me and to a potential mate. Rate 1-10: Religious Beliefs, Humor, Engaging Conversation, Emotional Development, Cleanliness, Sociability... on and on... if I get one match, I'll be surprised.