Monday, January 23, 2012

DATE #25, 26, 27 and... 28...

I never should have called him a hipster. He's not a hipster, not even close. And he's not really an accountant. He has his own business, he does his own thing. He's not like any other guy I've dated, probably ever. I mean, he doesn't look like them or act like them or speak like them and he's forever not what I imagined I'd go for, but what the hell do I know? Except that I'm totally sweet on him right now...

There are no types, no standards, or rules or guidelines or need for explanations. What's to explain? If I told you how he wooed me, you'd be bored (or maybe not... but I actually don't want to share this story). I mean, you already know I kissed him on the 2nd date - there was something there and I couldn't help it, but it took 5 more for him to kiss me back... and now I think about it and I don't care. What I care about is one day at a time, that he makes me laugh today, that he looks at me in his own way, that I don't have to been anyone else but me. Whether that's the sarcastic bitchy me, or the sweet and tender me (yep, surprisingly she exists).

Maybe we're trying to build something or maybe we're just two boats passing through the same stretch of sea, doesn't matter. Here there are no expectations, no desires for white weddings and ducks in suburbia. It's all about the now, and being with someone who is nice. Imagine that, a nice guy who doesn't spend more time in the mirror than me, who doesn't want to split the check, who could care less about hanging out in the swankest of bars with the lousiest of company... but a nice guy who wants to just be with me. Go figure.

On February 9th 2012 it will be exactly 2 years since I started this mission. Six months ago I'd have said, or actually did say, that I failed. But what is failure if not a chance for a new beginning? A fresh start to succeed?

Six months ago, I met this nice guy, three months ago we went out for drinks on a snowy Halloween and he's texting me right now to have sweet dreams... I feel like I can finally put this blog to bed. I may not have set out to catch a fish for keeps but at least now I'm not afraid to navigate the seas (though I'm not fishing anymore, haha). No matter what happens, I can say I gave dating a chance, I opened the doors to opportunity and in that my mission was a success. I'm maybe a better person for it, maybe nicer, maybe less judgmental (but probably not), but definitely more open-minded and still a ridiculous romantic at heart.

I greatly appreciate those of you who have followed along, have read this blog from time to time, who have urged me to date more or sent men my way... it's bizarre looking back to think of all this personal information I have spilled out on the web for the world (or all 12 of you). I'm not sure I'll ever do this again, but I'm glad I did. So, thank you for being there for me (and all the hims...)

Signing off,

no longer single G*Star

Errors And Omissions...

I think I've been going about this all the wrong way. I think I've spent the last two years trying to date men I didn't want to date because, well, I thought at my age I should be dating them. If you've read my blog at any point in the past 23 months, you probably noticed long ago how wrong I was and just didn't want to say anything - I appreciate you reading anyway. When your heart isn't 100% in something, of course its going to come out half ass and as I've mentioned before, I'm not a 99% percent person, that's just not good enough, and yet, I've spent all this time not giving my all to my own self-enforced mission.

Here I was, in this two year period working over a dozen jobs: 5 TV shows, 7 movies, 10 music videos, 2 short films, trips to Paris, Vegas, Rome, Venice, Kentucky, Baltimore, New York.... trying to date guys who just wouldn't make the cut on any normal G*Star day. Not that these were bad guys, but per my dad, what guy would ever be good enough for me? What's enough?

I thought I wanted to date the suave business-suit-wearing man who works for some big corporation, who can afford to take me to fancy restaurants, who had the "in" at swanky bars, who liked to travel, had all his ducks in a row and might one day want to raise a bunch of brats with me in some suburban house somewhere. Isn't that what I should want? Stability, Security, Confidence... Good looks and nice clothes? Someone to settle with one day?

But damn. If there is anything I have learned in these two years, it's that I'm not the settling type (or the type to settle soon). I couldn't be more thrilled for all my marrying friends but the more weddings I go to, the happier I am that I'm not ready for it. I don't want to settle down yet, I don't want to date the guy that wants to settle, I'm not ready for stability or security or squares.... I want to date someone who wants to have fun, keep things light, have adventures with no white-picket fence dreams.

I think I was trying to date a type. To find my type, or the man I thought fit the profile. But after stupidly falling for a friend (Date #21) who wasn't my "type" at all, I realized there is no type. We can't help who we like or when we like them or how they sweep us off our feet. I say "we" and "our" but I really am referring to me. It was pretty obvious to everyone (myself included) that none of the men I was dating struck my fancy. They didn't have whatever it was I thought I was looking for and then, I just stopped looking. If you remember, it was about six months ago - right around my birthday (almost to the day). I stopped looking, I canceled my online subscriptions, I stopped eyeing boys at bars, I vowed to be single at every future wedding and to own it in every way. And I did. I still do.

But it's true what they say, when you stop looking is when you are most able to be found...