It feels so good to have made it to 28, I can almost see my emo-18-year old self cheering "Wahoo! We're making it!" from the sidelines of some depressing ball game (not that I ever went to any in high school...). It feels like I'm over the hump, out of the seemingly endlessly painful transition period from childhood to adulthood and I couldn't be happier about it. It's not what I pictured of course, I don't live in LA, have loads of money, a husband, a baby, a car, a house, a steady job... so really I don't have anything I imagined I would except maybe, finally, an understanding and an appreciation for not having all the things I thought I would.
Sure, I'm at a constant crossroads... Where am I going to live next? What job will I take? How will I survive as "the single friend" as my friends all get married off? But it all feels like I'm in a good place. Looking back on this year, I realize I've only been on 8 dates and I wonder "what went wrong?" but I should be asking myself, "what went right?"
The fact that another year has passed and I once again have been unable to fulfill my mission of 27 dates (or 28) does not discourage me like I though it might. The truth is, a much as I want to date someone, I really made little effort this past year to make room for someone in my life. It's not like I cleared time in my schedule (even when unemployed) to allow for dating. And if a date offer was inconvenient or uninteresting, I never rushed to reschedule and generally didn't even try. I might have been/said I was mentally prepared to date but physically never put myself out there - it's not like I'm getting dolled up on Friday and Saturday nights hanging out at Bungalow 8 or the Gansevoort Hotel. I'm usually home trying to write witty stuff, producing music videos or catching up on whatever TV shows will still allow you to stream online.
I've been heard saying "I'm trying to date, I'm trying!" but, I probably wasn't, not really anyway. And I'm the kind of person who, if I put my mind to do something - if I really want to do something, I do it 200% and more than likely I can't be stopped. So I guess I should apologize to all of you for not putting my all into dating - maybe it's just not my time, I'm just not ready or maybe I'm just sick of being the one putting myself out there at 50%. Maybe, just maybe, Prince Charming can make an effort to find me, cause right now, I'm busy trying to conquer the world and I just don't want to have to hunt him down in the middle of it.
This doesn't mean I'm going to turn down a date with a half-decent guy if he asks me tomorrow, who knows, my door is open and maybe if I stop pretending like I'm trying so hard, it will happen all on it's own.
(dated August 2011)