Monday, January 23, 2012

Errors And Omissions...

I think I've been going about this all the wrong way. I think I've spent the last two years trying to date men I didn't want to date because, well, I thought at my age I should be dating them. If you've read my blog at any point in the past 23 months, you probably noticed long ago how wrong I was and just didn't want to say anything - I appreciate you reading anyway. When your heart isn't 100% in something, of course its going to come out half ass and as I've mentioned before, I'm not a 99% percent person, that's just not good enough, and yet, I've spent all this time not giving my all to my own self-enforced mission.

Here I was, in this two year period working over a dozen jobs: 5 TV shows, 7 movies, 10 music videos, 2 short films, trips to Paris, Vegas, Rome, Venice, Kentucky, Baltimore, New York.... trying to date guys who just wouldn't make the cut on any normal G*Star day. Not that these were bad guys, but per my dad, what guy would ever be good enough for me? What's enough?

I thought I wanted to date the suave business-suit-wearing man who works for some big corporation, who can afford to take me to fancy restaurants, who had the "in" at swanky bars, who liked to travel, had all his ducks in a row and might one day want to raise a bunch of brats with me in some suburban house somewhere. Isn't that what I should want? Stability, Security, Confidence... Good looks and nice clothes? Someone to settle with one day?

But damn. If there is anything I have learned in these two years, it's that I'm not the settling type (or the type to settle soon). I couldn't be more thrilled for all my marrying friends but the more weddings I go to, the happier I am that I'm not ready for it. I don't want to settle down yet, I don't want to date the guy that wants to settle, I'm not ready for stability or security or squares.... I want to date someone who wants to have fun, keep things light, have adventures with no white-picket fence dreams.

I think I was trying to date a type. To find my type, or the man I thought fit the profile. But after stupidly falling for a friend (Date #21) who wasn't my "type" at all, I realized there is no type. We can't help who we like or when we like them or how they sweep us off our feet. I say "we" and "our" but I really am referring to me. It was pretty obvious to everyone (myself included) that none of the men I was dating struck my fancy. They didn't have whatever it was I thought I was looking for and then, I just stopped looking. If you remember, it was about six months ago - right around my birthday (almost to the day). I stopped looking, I canceled my online subscriptions, I stopped eyeing boys at bars, I vowed to be single at every future wedding and to own it in every way. And I did. I still do.

But it's true what they say, when you stop looking is when you are most able to be found...

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